if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Randomize
