why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
