Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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