Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
A bitchslap is in order.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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