3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
