Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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