apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Randomize
