I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
