Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
