does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You pole danced in your parka.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
