I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
