I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
