His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
