and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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