The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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