I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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