I'd wear matching sweaters with you
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize