Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
