i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
