Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
