Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize