Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
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