I want to walk on stilts...naked
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
