I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
