Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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