the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
