In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
