I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
