I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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