I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
