my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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