I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
