Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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