Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
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