my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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