your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
