I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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