Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
