You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
God I need to hump something, right now.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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