Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
