I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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