that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
