Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
