Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
