Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
