my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
