I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
