college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
