Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize