I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
