holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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