You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
