PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
