One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize