I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
