I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
