im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
