There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
