and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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