john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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